sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
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