I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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