two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
