I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
