It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
