he thought i was a dude.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
