Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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