Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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