I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
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