i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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