I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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