omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
