my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
