WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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