I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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