if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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