i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
