I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
