I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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