His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
