My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
