I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
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