I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize