Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
