if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
