I can't watch pbs sober anymore
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
