theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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