I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize