Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
