After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize