Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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