So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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