I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
