Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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