shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Randomize
