Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Boobs speak an international language.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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