Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
