Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
