The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
