So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
