feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
We're too hungover to prance.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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