This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
