I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
