watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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