I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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