You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
