Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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