i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
