I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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