i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
