just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
