Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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