My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
