we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
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