So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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