So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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