I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
