this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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