I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
