i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
