Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
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