Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
