My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Randomize
