when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
