My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Sober January is a disaster.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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