Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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