my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
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